So my snail mail buddy (I guess I can call her that ahah :>) wrote back just now and I read it. Here’s a snippet of what she wrote back:
"I have/had so many insecurities and I feel like I would beat myself up over them and be constantly jealous if I liked someone/was in the relationship. I wanted to be able to be happy and not have my happiness be dependent on another person."
This is so in line with how I feel right now. All the time I couldn’t even look at him or face him the correct way because I was so insecure of the way I looked. I felt so uncomfortable even though I wasn’t uncomfortable with him at all. There was pointless anxiety for a time where I should have been completely happy but was made awful because of the way that I felt. There were so many moments and instead of enjoying them, I was anxious, paranoid and self conscious and now those are the only things I can remember/picture.
I don’t know if he ever wants to talk to me ever again. Whether he’s even remotely interested any more in my existence. But if he does ever talk to me again, I want to be better. I want to be happier. I want to be happy in that moment not because he’s talking to me but because I am content with my own life. I keep saying I don’t know what to do about him. Well there is nothing I can do. Whatever he chooses to do is up to him and completely out of my control. But what I can control and work on is how I feel and work on getting better and feeling better about life. I don’t want a relationship based off “why are you sad today” conversations but happy stuff. Really happy stuff. I want to be happy because he is part of my life but I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on another person.
I think on Tuesday I will turn myself in to my guidance counsellor and start from there.
I’ve contemplated therapy for a really long time now.
Because most mental health centres need a physician’s referral, I don’t really know how to go about going to a walk in clinic and… I don’t know what to say? I’d only be able to go to a free institution because first, I don’t have money for a paid therapist and plus, I don’t really want my parents to know. It doesn’t really matter that my dad is a neuroscientist and you’d think he’d understand having read textbooks on bipolar disorder etc. They honestly would just think I’m stupid and weak and that I can’t do anything with my life if my emotions get this in the way of my everyday functionality. I don’t know of any free mental health centres in Toronto and the one that my friend goes to is only for Ajax, Pickering and Scarborough residents. I guess I can get a referral to CAMH.
As for the paid therapists, looking at all these categories that therapists specialize in, I don’t even know what I need help in. Anxiety, attachment, depression, grief, social isolation, mood disorders? Which one? All of the above?
I always worry my problems are too trivial to be taken seriously. I’m always afraid, I’ll go in and talk about my issues and they’ll roll their eyes at how petty the issues are. There are some days where I feel perfectly okay and couldn’t bring myself to cry or feel sad even if I tried. Those days I would think, “Wow, maybe I’m better now. Why was I so weak? What the fu-?”. But then I’d always prove myself wrong again and realize those moments are so short-lived. And then when my depression cycles back to its lowest point, I would think, “I seriously need to get help or I’m going to destroy myself or end up in a hospital.” I felt half delirious last night on whatever painkillers I was on, trying to sleep. These are the days that I’m really worried for my own safety.
I just think I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Like people will laugh at me. It’s this constant struggle/push and pull between what I should do.
This year has been the worst I’ve ever been. I literally can’t bring myself out of bed. Whenever I’m at school, noise just becomes this big blurry fuzz all around me and it transforms into this chaos in my head and I get so overwhelmed and frustrated. Literally everyone irritates me and for the most part it’s not even their fault. I’ve been completely isolating myself. But then I feel so completely alone, the silence is torture. But peace all at the same time.
Whenever my brain isn’t occupied with lab stuff or homework, I’ll start thinking about him. And then I’ll starting thinking how useless and worthless I am. How pointless everything is. How no one likes me. How I have no one but maybe my parents but they don’t understand. How stupid I am. How ugly I am, inside and out. Sometimes I fantasize about me dying, so then maybe he’d think about me for a split second. Or people would actually realize my existence/or lack of existence if I just died. I can’t tell you how many scenarios I’d picture inside my head when I’m out and about. Different ways I could die in that exact moment.
But at once, I realize that there’s nothing wrong with my life. My depression didn’t stem from abuse, neglect, death, illness or anything of that sort. There’s nothing worth dying for. Nothing worth being depressed over. But I can’t help but feel this overwhelming inexplicable amount of heaviness, anxiety, sadness, emptiness, and aloneness all the time.
I don’t know what to do.