Modern literature is a beautiful course at U of T. If you’re going to U of T, take it. Even if you think English is not worth your time. Take it. Everything else is rather mundane. But mundane in terms of math and physics is often times a good thing.

The introductory lecture, or I’d rather call it a really good speech, had so much impact [on me anyway].

I think everyone should study literature. You’re missing out on a whole dimension of thought if you don’t

Also, I’ve become really into quantum chemistry, perhaps even more so than organic chemistry. Maybe not. Maybe it’s a tie. I don’t know. Chemistry is my favourite thing in the world. Cellular biology and biological chemistry come a close second.  

LMJIOEAH:DJOKEIORFJ:OSLDKFSODKF. I can only pick one specialist and a major? Excusez-moi, but I don’t think I can do that U of T…

Ideally I’d want to do a specialist in biochemistry, a specialist in cellular biology, a major in physiology, and another major in some sort of chemistry………………………………………………………..

And to the idiots who told me to take MAT137 or MAT157 and PHY151….HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

To conclude, I’ve managed a whole week without interacting with a single person. The people I want in my life are confident, ambitious, hard working, creative, quiet but thoughtful. People who are true to themselves. And passionate. I look for passionate people because I want to communicate with people that inspire me. And so even between the inundated campus grounds, and people I meet from various jobs and positions, the type of person I look for is difficult to find. 

And I think that I don’t need to do much looking. I will use this competitive university to my advantage. I will sit back and let this institution weed out the inadequate candidates for me, and look for the qualities I enjoy in a permanent person in my life later. 

I am selective because I know what I can bring to the table.

And who said U of T’s classes were so big? Just sit in the front row and shut out everyone behind you. If they talk, just turn around and look them up and down and they’ll shut up. And then every class seems like a 5 person class. The 100+ idiots behind you won’t even exist. And even like this, I still get hit on/stared at left and right. lol. It’s not that I’m naturally quiet or trying to be mysterious. I just don’t want to be associated unless you’re 6’2, brilliant at physics and math, dress casually (not like the weird fob or hipster shit you see everywhere, it’s gross, but still be able to pull off a valentino suit), and quiet but full of thought. If one sees this description in themselves they should definitely apply to be my male emotional floatation device.

elysiantears

hiatus because

elysiantears:

Read more here 

I’d like to highlight that I too am feeling the same emotions as described by Fay in the first two paragraphs of her post. Every so often I start feeling sorry for myself and push people away. During those periods of time, I am lethargic, irritable, volatile and I cry often, out of no where.

Occasionally, I will go on Tumblr and write as if I was speaking to him because somehow I feel suffocated not being able to communicate with him. I feel as if I use this site too much to share my thoughts and feelings with him and as a result, further exacerbate the emotional pain I am still going through.

I would also like to point out that I too need to learn how to express my feelings and love for people. I struggle to tell people that I love them. There are people in my life that care deeply about me, my happiness, and my future success. So many people begging to be let into my life — what they believe is an attractive and mysterious world, when in all honesty, it isn’t really so. But the way I’ve reciprocated these people, let me tell you, is the same way he has shut me out of his life. So call me a hypocrite. The only way I reciprocate is through cynicism because I am so afraid that people will push me away again if I get too attached. "Better to leave than to be left — unless your fear of being left never let you join the party in the first place."

For me, right now, I am working on becoming the best possible person I can be. Not only so, one day, I could face him, and start meaningful, healthy conversations again, but also because I am not content with where I am standing right now. Seeing my peers, it humbles me in that I know I could push myself so much harder and do greater, bigger, and better things for this beautiful world that I live in. I’ve finished working on my first publication, and will start working on my second primary author publication mid September. I started volunteering at Holland Bloorview again in Therapeutic Recreation because the kids there are so inspiring. They open my eyes up to optimism, joy and appreciation even when the world feels as if it’s falling apart. I have sent out an email along with my resume to a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, whose work has just been such an inspiration to me, to see if he could take me as a summer student next year.

Things are happening academically as I have hoped, but I am still an emotional train wreck. 

And so while I am away, searching for myself and fighting for my dreams, I hope he finds his own happiness and knows that I still miss him very much.